Fear of Living, A Deztin Fanfic
by iamtheoutcast
Summary: <html><head></head>'Some people are more afraid of living than dying. A good example of this is Austin Moon.' SLASH, Don't like, Don't read. Love you, love you! Please review! DEZZZZZZZZZTINNNNNNNNNN! Deztin, Deztin, Dez/Austin!</html>
1. Chapter 1

Some people are more afraid of living than dying.

A good example of this is Austin Moon. He may be a super cool pop star, he may be a ladies man, but he's also a total wimp when it comes to something he really wants.

And what is it that he wants more than anything else? The one thing that scares the hot shit out of him?

A tall, lanky redhead.

A goofball with a shiny silver vidcam.

The thing that scared him most was his best friend, Dez...

Who couldn't hurt a fly. He had no reason to be scared, right? Wrong. He had a perfectly legitimate reason to hide from him.

He was in love with him, even though he didn't want to be. It wasn't a choice, it just... happened. He avoided Dez and anything that reminded him of him, because he was terrified of these feelings he had for his best friend since... forever. What if he hated him?! No, Austin couldn't say a word. It would hurt too badly...

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><p>Austin sat on the counter of Sonic Boom, absentmindedly strumming his guitar.<p>

Why did life have to be so fucking complicated?! His fans would hate him if he came out, his parents would do who knows what, and he couldn't afford the risk with his friends. As for Dez... well, how do you react when your friend is in love with you?!

Besides, Austin told himself, he wasn't exactly straight or gay, he only liked Dez for some odd reason he didn't understand.

"Hey, Austin?" Austin was jolted out of his thoughts by a soft voice, a warm hand on his shoulder. He squirmed away from the touch he so craved. Speak of the devil, he supposed- it was none other than Dez Wade himself.

"Hi, Dez," He muttered, putting his guitar behind the counter and scrambling to collect his things.

He was stopped by Dez, who grabbed him easily by the arm and pulled him down onto the counter again.

"No." He growled.

"No what?" Austin murmured fearfully.

"No, as in I'm not letting you run away with no explanation this time! You've been avoiding me all week and I want to know why. Did I do something to make you mad?"

"What?! NO!"

"Then what's wrong?"Dez worried. Austin suddenly took an interest in his high tops.

"I c-can't tell you..."

"Well, look, Austin, I love you, so I want to help. Can you call me when you need to talk?" Austin gave a weak nod, and Dez turned on his heel and left with an upset expression.


	2. Chapter 2

Austin anxiously paced around the practice room, lost in thought. Ally, watching this, sighed. They were _supposed _to be working on their new song, but they had absolutely nothing and Austin wasn't being very helpful.

Suddenly, he spun on his heel and looked at her. In his head, he was fighting with himself about whether or not it would be okay to tell his best friend- after Dez of course- a certain something. She was Ally, his songwriter, someone he could trust with anything.. He hardened his resolve and took a deep breath, then blurted out:

_"Ally I'm gay."_ Ally gawked at him for a few long moments, and Austin, thinking that she must hate him, turned teary-eyed toward the door. But Ally quickly regained her composure.

_"_Austin, don't go! I was just shocked, that's all. Not that it's bad or anything," She added, seeing the look on her guy friend's face. "It's just that... well, you've had more girlfriends than I've had As, and I've had a _lot _of As."

"Can you not say anything to anybody?"

"'Course not! Now, um... what made you realize that-"

"I kind of have a teeeeeeeeeny crush on someone." Translation- HUMUNGOUS CRUSH. Ally rolled her eyes.

"Alright, Moon, spill your beans. I know you well enough to see without even knowing who it is that this is way more than a crush, and now you've made me curious." Austin gave himself another silent pep talk before answering-

"Promise you won't tell anyone?"

"I hereby promise not to say a word."

"Not even to Trish?"

"Swear on my book-which you still can't touch, by the way." Austin's heart was beating so fast he was sure she could hear it. In fact, New Jersey might be hearing it.

"Dez..."

"Wow." Said Ally. "Can you say completely and utterly obvious?"

"Um, what?"

"You two are always attached at the hip. You're in _loooooooooooooooove!_" Ally sang.

"Yeah, well, Dez doesn't like me like that..."

"Well, you must be blind..."

"Hmm?"


	3. Chapter 3

Austin looked up from where he was pulling a stray thread off his jacket. Ally looked as though he were the most idiotic creature she had ever met in her entire life.

"I _said, _you must be blind. He obviously loves you too!"

_"No, _he doesn't!"

_"_I'm starting to wonder if you were repetitively whacked in the head with a frying pan as a baby."

_"Can we just work on the goddamn song?!"_

_"Okay!_ We both know you're just trying to change the subject, though." Ally was right again. He was only trying to change the subject; he _really _didn't want to chance anyone downstairs hearing them, for one, and for two, just the thought of his best friend made his ears go bright red.


	4. Chapter 4

Austin suddenly really wished he'd never met Ally D. As he read over the lyrics she'd written down, realizing it was a love song and knowing perfectly well that it was about Dez, he got an urge to hit himself over the head with a viola. How the hell could he sing this in front of thousands of people?! _If I Die Young _seemed more appropriate for his current mood than this...

"Austin, you're going to have to tell him at some point," Ally insisted from behind him.

"Ally, you're supposed to be the smart one here! How many times do I have to tell you, I. Can. _Not. _Tell. Him!"

"Austin, he's your best friend! The worst that could happen was you puke on his shoes when you try to talk to him or something."

"You aren't very good at comfort, are you?"

"Tell you what," Ally said, a mischevious twinkle in her eyes, "I'm not writing the chorus for you until you go attempt to talk to him." Austin felt a flutter of panic in his chest.

"You wouldn't _dare!"_

"Try me." Austin stared at her. He had to have something, and no one else knew what the song was about... She looked serious...

He sighed.

"You, Ally Dawson, are an evil little creature."

"Aww, thanks! Now, go get 'em, Tiger Pancake!" Austin blushed- _blushed._ It wasn't a serious pet name, but it was Dez related...

How was he going to do this?!


	5. Chapter 5

_Dez,__ I like you._

_Dez, I love you and I really hope you love me back..._

_Dez, I want to have your adopted babies._

Austin, frustrated as hell, threw yet another confess-how-much-you-love-your-best-friend note in the trash and facepalmed. Ally all-out refused to write anything for his upcoming concert until he told Dez exactly how he felt.

_But she doesn't get it! _He thought. _How do you say something like this in words when there are none to describe it?_

He was beginning to wish he had never met Ally.. Or just never told her he loved Dez...

He pressed his pencil back down onto the piece of paper with a sigh. The person he was writing to would never see this, so what was the point?!

_Dez,_

_I remember the day I met you. I have changed quite a bit, I'd like to think, since kindergarten. Back then, no one wanted to talk to the strange blonde boy who sat and watched people from the sandbox, who refused to speak to anybody. I cringe to think of how shy I was before you found me..._

_When I was five love was a strange concept for me to apply to anybody outside of my own parents, but you were the exception for me. But it wasn't until I had grown quite a bit that I realized what love truly was, and in truth I was afraid of it. I understand that you love me as well, but in the placating way that a little girl might think of a puppy._

_I love you , but in a way that makes me fantasize and daydream about you holding me close, closer than a friend. I fear your rejection so much that in recent days I have shunted you forcefully away and out of my life, but true love is not a thing that can be escaped. I understand if you no longer wish to stand by me, but if by some beautiful miracle you love me too, please don't slam the door in my face, as I seek shelter with you in this hurricane of emotion I have become lost in since I learned of love and it has become a curse upon my tongue. And if you can forgive me for these hideous feelings of mine, please do not shut me out, for I would rather live with yoir rejection and have you by my side than to not have you at all. I would miss you if you left me alone._

_Inside, I'm still that child hiding in the sandbox._

_With love and fear,_

_Austin M. Moon_


	6. Chapter 6

Austin was jumpy all day at school the next day. He couldn't believe himself...

He had done it. He had hid behind the school until the bell rang, not caring that he was late _again, _and before he could talk himself out of it he had pushed the very un-Austin, articulate love letter into Dez's locker.

Now he wished very much that he hadn't. All day nightmarish images of Dez popped up in his mutinous brain and taunted him annoyingly. What if, what if?

What if Dez laughed in his face?

What if Dez never spoke to him again?

What if Dez didn't even bother to read his note?

In the back of his mind, Austin heard a little voice telling him that Dez would never be so cruel, but at the sa'e time a much stronger force was making him have bad daydreams of rejection. Of hate.

Austin had always said that his conscious was probably a total wimp, because it never gave him very good advice.

In fact, his own mind seemed to hate him.

The bell tolled again, signaling the end of class, but as Austin rushed to stuff everything into his bag, he felt a warm hand on his shoulder. His heart stopped for such a long moment that Austin thought he actually might have just died, and then it started up again so fast it almost hurt. Chocolate eyes tried very hard to avoid looking at incredibley pretty blue ones.

"Austin, can we talk?" Said Dez's warm voice. Austin gave a jerky little nod and stared at Dez's heels as he followed him to the courtyard. It was too late now to change anything, he knew, but he truly hatdd himself at the moment and would have lved'nothing more than to just disappear into a little ball of nothingness. He felt a few tears slip down his cheeks.

_I shouldn't have given you the note, _He thought, glancing at Dez, who had turned'to face him.

Dez brought his thumb up to the blonde's face and gentlh wiped away his tears.

"Hey, why are you crying?" He asked gently. "I haven't even gotten to the lovey part yet."

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><p><strong>Heehee! Dez said he loved him! Anyway, Y U NO REVIEW? I love reviews, please gimme more... Love you, love you! PLEEEEEEEEEASE REVIEW!<strong>


	7. Chapter 7

Austin stared at Dez in shock. Did he really just say that? No, he must have misheard him...

"W-what?" He stuttered.

"I said, I love you. Like, love like you said. And when did you become Shakespeare?" Austin gaped at him.

_If this is a dream, I don't ever want to wake up, _He thought, digging his fingernails into his arm all the same in an attempt to shoot himself back into reality. Why get his hopes up? He'd probably fallen asleep in math...

Dez frowned and gently pulled his hand away. Austin felt little sparks tingle up his arm when he touched him.

"Why on Earth are you trying to cut into your arm?"

"I need to wake up," Austin replied, voice barely audible. "Any world where you want me is of my own imagination."

Dez stared at him for a minute, then slowly began to smile.

"How real is this?" He asked, leaning in with a smirk. Without thinking about it, Austin tilted his head to meet him.

_Fireworks._ It was as if they were literally made for each other. Dez ran his tongue along Austin's lip, and Austin opened his mouth gladly. There was no clash of dominance-seeking tongues, Austin let the redhead do as he pleased. They kissed until they needed air desperately, then broke apart.

Austin stared at him for a moment, estatic. Then, he broke into a giant grin that he was sure made him look like a complete idiot and let Dez pull him to his chest in such a way that made it hard for him to convince himself that he wasn't kissing an angel. At that moment, all was right in the world.

Because Dez loved him too, and he didn't need to be afraid to live anymore.


	8. Chapter 8

When Austin came out to his fans, he knew it was going to have a negative effect for some and a positive for others. Some fans simply didn't give a flying fuck(how exactly does that work when you're flying?) about his sexuality. But in truth, Austin didn't notice the massive arguments about it that sprung up in the comments of his videos, people who blogged about how much they hated him, etc... He'd learned to ignore them. And if he got hate mail that managed to get to him, he knew he could go to Dez and he would hug him tight and kiss him sweetly, and suddenly the opinion of some fifteen year old girl(or a trillion fifteen year old girl) wouldn't matter.

Because he had Dez, who loved him, and he had a family in Ally and Trish.

There was nothing left to be afraid of; he wasn't lost anymore. After years of being trapped in his skin, he was free.

Because Dez made it that way.

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><p>Austin walked happily out into the cool night air, and everyone turned to face him and watch as he slowly marched toward a tuxedo clad Dez Wade. Ally waved and smiled broadly from where she stood as the maid of honor, and Trish grinned beside her.<p>

Austin stared with a fast-beating heart into gorgeous blue eyes as he said his vows, and then came the moment he'd been waiting for...

"I do." He leaned in for a kiss that was just as perfect as the first one he'd ever shared with Dez. At the reception, they danced together, until the long line of people waiting to dance with them was so backed up they switched partners. Austin quickly hurried over to Ally for a dance;there was something she deserved to hear.

"Hey Alls?" He said as they began a 'medium-dance'.

"Yeah?" She replied. Austin glanced at his new husband, a grin tugging at the edges of his mouth and happy tears filling his eyes.

"I think I forgot to thank you."

"For what?"

"For Dez. And for helping me be happy."Ally smiled.

"You're welcome."

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><p><strong>Sorry for ending with another wedding scene! Hope this story didn't suck ass... If you didn'tcompletely hate it, or maybe liked it, PLEASE review! Love you, love you! Please review!<strong>


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